What I've learnt so far by 'running away'

The cold, hard truth in running away, is that it will always come with consequences. Not everyone, not even myself has come out of it unscathed.

I've had days where I've cried. For no particular reason other than I needed to.

I've had days where I've felt weak and daily tasks felt mundane and the idea of hiding felt like paradise.

I've wondered what old friends are doing and what would could have been different had I stayed where I was.

I've had moments of questioning every action that led me to the moment in which I chose to leave and have pondered every 'what if', thinking of every route I could have taken to outwit the inevitable.

I've struggled to settle and things as minor as mispronouncing road signs lead me to believing, that moving to another place was the worst possible decision I could have made and since I can't pronounce where I am, that obviously means I'll never foresee this place as a home.

I've made connections with people who have caused hurt and have momentarily made me wish to 'run away' again.

I've had days in which I've awoken feeling motivated, powerful and at ease with the choices I've made, choices that made me feel excited for my future.

I've met people who despite, my sometimes fragile state, have welcomed me into their worlds with open arms and kind gestures.

I've travelled to places that have taken my breath away.

I've learnt new rules and new laws that I don’t quite understand.

I've had days where I've learnt that no matter where you are arseholes do exist and people will do what they have to in order to gain the upper hand over you.

I've met people who make me laugh, who have taught me different cultures and given me a way of looking at things with a different perspective.

I've talked to strangers who have 'ran away' themselves and have put their arms around me and told me that everything will be okay and that my decisions will all be the right ones in the end.

I've had my heart broken again.

I've felt lost and I've felt scared.

I've felt powerful and ready to get out there and make this place a home.

I've been away for nearly 6 months and have already felt such a wide range of crazy emotions. But, with each emotion, I'm getting better. It's getting easier. I'm allowing myself to cry because it's all about transition. It's about holding onto that glimpse of hope that I'm not going to fail at life. It's allowing myself to miss home and allowing somewhere to become a second home. It's not forgetting those who were there and making space for new people to enter your life, either to teach you or to be a part of your adventure.

I guess, 'running away, fleeing, leaving, escaping' can all be perceived as acts of cowardice, consequences of feeling too over-whelmed and perhaps, being too weak to regain power in the hand you've been dealt.

But what if 'running away' meant that instead of being a coward, you were allowing yourself to be brave, you were giving yourself that break you were owed to start again. Instead, it was a chance to go out there and find who it is that you want to be, to finally be on the road to finding peace with yourself?

It's all about growing up after all. You'll have good days and bad days, but the key is take to the good with the bad and as long as we don't give up, then I guess that we can't say we've ever failed.

Storms don't last forever.

At the beginning of 2015, I made it one of my new year resolutions to keep a blog and like many of those resolutions, it died out pretty quickly. Yet, here I am entering 2017 with the same resolution, and a half hearted hope that I'll make some kind of feeble attempt to actually stick to it this time around. 

For those of you that may read this, this is not a way to sugar coat 2016, this is not a means to create my own pity party. This is a summary of this year in it's entirety, raw and unpolished. It's the good, the bad and the incredibly ugly.

2016 has been a bit of a shit show, if I'm speaking honestly. But, in some ways, I have a bizarre form of admiration for it. A year that girls went contouring crazy, 'situationships' ruled the dating scene, the grim reaper was in full force, UK gave us Brexit and USA allowed a manchild to run its country. It's been a year that had a real hunger for chaos that has left some of us feeling a little bit withered to say the least.

                   For myself, 2016 broke me, it broke me so actually, I could fix me.

And here's the thing, 2 years ago; if some one where to have said that I'd pack up and piss off to the other side of the world and do the journey alone, I would have most certainly called bullshit and laughed at them hysterically. However, despite being the worlds most dramatic and anxious human being, I can't laugh because that is exactly what I did.

As of October 2016, I left my home to begin a new life in New Zealand and so far, here is what I can tell you.

Most days, I wake up, sit on a balcony that overlooks clear skies and a beautiful beach and I can't help but smile at the idea of how many of my loved ones would be chomping at the bit to say, 'I told you so'. They were all right, New Zealand is beautiful and I now understand why my parents chose to come here. I also know deep down, it was and is the best choice I could have made, despite it all coming with a price.

                                         Some days though, it's hard, really fucking hard.

When you make changes as big as this, you have to face demons and that's not always fun. You're almost forced to face your past, your regrets and your grievances. There's no way to shy away from it and you will inevitably, be left with scars. For myself, this year brought a lot of heart breaks, a lot of moments where I thought I'd never get back up. It gave me clarity about the true characters of some that I respected most and a realisation that blood is not always thicker than water. It made me give up trying to please those who could not be pleased and above all, it made me, rather, forced me to leave my comfort zone.

2016, for most, was a big fucking joke. That being said, storms don't last forever. It should also be a year where we see it out with a big middle finger and a mind motivated enough not to relive it. There will be ups and downs in 2017, sure. It's how the world works but I think for this new year, it's high time we all live a little more selfishly. Coming from someone who gets nervous leaving the house most days, all I can advise you is that, if there is a dream you wish to pursue, I promise you, you can do it. I never in a million years thought I'd be able to stray far from my comfort zone yet, I'm here in NZ trying to grasp hold of an entirely new way of life.

In truth, I could have stayed and attempted to work with the fragments of my life in the UK, part of me wanted to.

                                                                   But, I didn't and I don't regret it.

I haven't found my feet just yet, but as I turn 24, I'm ready to grow up a little and go into the world on my own to try and figure out 'lifes path' and I hope that most of you, whether you had a great year or a truly terrible year, you'll all join me in attempting to make 2017 memorable, for the right reasons.

             So here's to you 2016, nice try, you've been a real sport, see you never.

The jumble sale we call life.

Well, it only took two years & a pointless new years resolution, but i'm back. Let's try this blogging malarkey again!

So to begin? The nitty gritty?

Over the last year or so, my life has changed dramatically! Oh, i'm 23 now & finished education way back, so forget anything on the about me page, just in case you were feeling dangerous & wanted to delve into this a little deeper!

In the time in which I forgot all about this blog, I finished college, changed jobs, moved out and became a legal guardian. All things in which I would never have seen happening back at the start of 2015, that's for sure!

Due to many of these changes, naturally, (& if you're as dramatic as I am!) I have had every emotion known to man - so, i'd like to share some of the knowledge I've learnt & advice I have received in the form of five steps. Hopefully they'll help or at least make you smile.

I appreciate this entry could be long, you may even get the idea of rubbing amphetamines in your gums just to get to the end but - just go with it?

STEP ONE - Stop Comparing!

As someone that has suffered first hand with anxiety & confidence issues. I know full well what it's like to question my own life choices against everyone else's. We live in a society where we are expected to outdo every other person. We question ourselves on whether our lives are shaped to how they should be. I mean that Jim on facebook, he's out there bungee jumping in a tutu, having the time of his life & that Sue has just had a baby, settled down & got a porch swing. Maybe our lives should be a little more like theirs?! Or maybe, we should just stop being drawn into the idea that everyone else's lives are as miraculous as they seem. It's rose-tinted glasses folks.

Everyone & anyone has their own personal issues, their own hang ups & their own demons. We see what people want us to see, so don't let that be your focus. Let your focus be you, stop comparing yourself to others..Why? because you alone are good enough & your life will work out in whatever way you wish it to, so don't be worrying about Sues' porch swing. 

Make your life what you want it to be. 

STEP TWO - Find Your Passions!

As we get older, we lose sight of the things we enjoy as much. We get up, we go to work/school/uni, we tire ourselves with daily routines & live for the weekends, but sometimes we don't make the most of the inbetween. We exhaust ourselves to a point where when we get home, we collapse on the sofa with enough food to feed a small village & binge watch tele until our eyes are square. If that's your passion then obviously, crack on! but if it's not & there is something you enjoy, even if it's something as minor as doing a puzzle? then do it, refind your passions, throw yourself into them, focus your mind on something other than everyday routine.

Just do something for you.

STEP THREE - Rid Yourself of Poison!

This is the main one! This boils down to the most emotional involvements in our lives. People. Relationships mainly. Either intimate or friendships. So lets discuss...

Welcome to the 21st century & welcome, Situationships.

Our generation, sadly, is made up of people who are terrified of commitment, terrified of the idea of being hurt or vunerable but still crave the attention & idea of 'love'.

This we can understand of course, relationships are scary things.

However, if you do ever find yourself in one of these 'situationships' then as hard as it may be - the right option is to bow out. This includes both guys & girls. It's not a pity party for women, as we are just as capable of playing the same games.

I have watched so many friends be in this scenario. Infact, I myself am guilty of playing a part in this new found relationship status.

But honestly? No, just no.

Know your worth. If someone cannot make the time for you or make it clear to you of their emotions then don't waste your time in conjuring up reasons as to why/how it could work. It doesn't matter how much you like them. They may be a really nice person & just a little screwed up. You may make each other feel special for a moment, in that moment... but, hindsight?

Does that help you? It may satisfy you for a short period but what about the long term? Are you going to allow yourself to be dragged into the idea that maybe one day, you will both sit down and say 'Hey, you know what, I like you, let's make this a thing?'.

Answer: You Shouldn't.

Life isn't a fairytale, let's be realistic. But, there are thousands of people in this world that you are yet to meet & one of them would be willing to try & give you that fairytale ending. We should never be willing to settle for anything less than that.

You can try to give someone the world but if their offering 'Netflix & Chill' & an arsy attitude when you question why they hooked up with someone else an hour later, then find your friends & bail.

So, I go back to a previous statement, YOU alone are good enough. If this person still has to question why you are worth having more with, then the reality is, you're worth more than their needs. It may be scary, the idea of being alone - but isn't better to be alone than to have to constantly question what you mean to someone?

This isn't just about relationships either - this is about the friend circle you surround yourself in, if you're feeling as though the people your connected with are not 100% behind you, then rid of yourself of it. Life is a hard enough place without allowing yourself to degrade your worth for others satisfaction.

Be strong & make those changes, take out the trash & start over.

STEP FOUR - Replace 'What If' with 'Why Not!'

'What If' is part of my daily thought pattern. It's a killer. Anyone with anxiety knows how mind numbing these two words can be.

What are we afraid of? Is it change? failure? vulnerability or embarrassment?

These things are all possible. But, so what? If you're faced with a scenario, switch up - change your mindset to 'why the fuck not?' What is the worst that could happen? I mean if all goes wrong, then that's okay. You can then look back knowing that you faced whatever it may be head on & have no regrets & if you do have regrets? Then again, so what? At least you'll never sit there thinking, why didn't I try?

If there is something that you are wanting to do but fear the outcome, then take it from someone who knows procrastination all to well - just go for it. Don't allow yourself to conjure up any form of threat. Just put yourself out there, it's exhausting being scared all the time.

So laugh it off. You'll feel much better for it!

STEP FIVE - BREATHE!

Honestly, one of the most important pieces of advice i've been given. When you hit your 20's, you are expected to have more of a grasp on your life I suppose, though the reality in which this ever happens, is rare. It's okay not to know what you're doing or where you're going so long as you have ambition & a willingness to get there eventually.

Things may not be perfect in your life right now, but whatever right? Breathe.

We're human & we do the best we can. As mentioned; YOU ALONE ARE GOOD ENOUGH. It doesn't matter what everyone is doing, or what their journey is about. Do what is right for you. If that means letting go of a complicated relationship, do it. If it means finally grasping at a chance to do something new, do it. Christ if it means, fucking the world off for a little while & receeding into your own little bubble just refind yourself then DO IT. But breathe. Life is terrifying & constantly updating itself, so join in!

Update yourself, rid yourself of the worry & fears that you may not accomplish or may not be good enough, because you are. 

It's not going to be an overnight success & these are things that i've learnt recently, that i'm actually trying to listen to myself. It does take time, but each individual will get to where they need to be in the long haul, so have faith, have fun & fill your world with good memories.

Stop giving so much of a shit, because sometimes life is a lot more fun that way. 

XO

The Little Things.

I think many of us have become so accustomed to the hustle & bustle of life, that we forget to take a moment for ourselves; we're so busy within routines, playing puppets to the manic society of today that we don't consider the little things in life, the beauty & tranquility it can bring if we were to put our daily drama on hold for a second.

Having had a bit of spare time on my hands over the last couple of days; I took it upon myself to stop for a moment in order to consider...

What is it that makes me happy?

From a young age I've always been passionate about anything creative & I loved art at school but once the school years drew to a close the reality kicked in & I didn't really make much time for that particular field anymore. 

 As a New Years resolution, I have tried to get back into the things that I love, one of which is painting. Now, I was never overly good at art, don't get me wrong - I've always been more like a toddler with a handful of crayons but it's always been something that I can find myself getting lost in. 
So, over this last week I decided to get stuck in & obviously the first thing that occurred to me that I thought would make sense to paint was indeed, naked ladies...

Going back into education was also something that I think has benefited me. Not only has it helped me mentally & I've been lucky enough to have met the most amazing people, it has helped me redevelop my passion for art, making me want to go back & explore my more creative side and that in itself, has been one of the things that I've found that does make me happy.

Another thing that I have discovered about myself recently is that like most, I live in my own little bubble, running around completing my every day tasks, wondering about what it is that I could possibly stress about next. 
(Those of you that know me, know that stressing is often my forte!) 
For the last few years I have been blessed to live in an area surrounded by beautiful scenery & I'm ashamed to say that I have never really taken much notice of it.. so over my time off I got off my lazy arse & took myself for a little wander. My nana, being the wonderful, wise lady that she is always tells me: 'go outside, get some air in your lungs, the fresh air will do you good!' & as always, she was right.

I managed to get some pretty good snaps out on my little adventure & it made me think about how people often say 'The best things in life are free'.. how right they are - often the things that can bring us that moment of peace & ease are the things that don't cost a fortune, they don't need countless efforts & planning. They're just there; be it a nice walk around a park, a good book, a hobby or even spending time with a loved one. Life doesn't have to be so hectic really; it's just what we all know it to be. If you're like me, you have one of those 'now, what did I even come in here for?!' moments more often then you'd like and as humans we're all used to racing to the finish line trying to reach those ever daunting deadlines; so much so that when we do get the time to stand still for a second, our minds are already filling with what we must accomplish next. How blissful it would be if we just took that time to focus on the things that bring us joy in life, the little things that bring us out of our minds.

It could be anything as minor as picking up a paintbrush or taking yourself out for a walk. It could even be something little like a slice of your favourite cake and a good cuppa... 
 It doesn't have to be miraculous & life changing but, if it brings you a moment of calm then make more time for it. Life is a wonderful thing, but it's short. Give yourself some 'you' time, think about those little things that make you relaxed.

To summarize, ladies & gents;

Find whatever it is that makes you happy & then do more of it.

Entering 2015...Are you ready?

The New Year is upon us & I'm sure many of us feel like we only blinked & then.. boom! 2015..

The few days of pigging out, watching necessary Christmas films & getting fat are drawing to a close pretty quickly & before we know it here we are stumbling into the new year with our motivated minds and long list of resolutions.

Among many of those resolutions that I have made for this year (which most, i probably won't manage to keep) writing a blog is one of them. For the past few years now I have considered starting one but as I have previously mentioned; the idea of writing publicly baffled me, what would I write about? Does it have to be about food? How you do you even use blogger?! (something i'm yet to master).. having said this; an old friend of mine keeps a blog in which I have found inspiring, therefore; I have made it one of my yearly challenges to give this whole blogging malarkey a good bash.. apologies in advance if it doesn't fit the blogging criteria but i'll aim to satisfy where i can!

So where were we? .. 2015 - it's here already, can we believe it?

For many i'm sure, 2015 has already hit us where it hurts. Be it work related, a personal matter or just the cold, dank weather that England so kindly offers us at this time of year. So?... I could make this post as dark and dismal as possible for i'm sure that's what you would all love to read about, but instead I will aim to put a positive spin on things.

Although for some of us, we may have felt the nice sharp gnashers of the year already, I am still holding out hope that this will be the year of great things for all. Looking back over the last few years I can honestly say I never would have thought I would be where I am right now. The year that has past I have learnt a lot of life lessons & discovered a lot about myself. What's the relevance?
Already in 2015, I have faced my own challenges & have watched loved ones go through the hell that is heartbreak; I've watched their faces coil with worry and anticipation of outcomes which has brought me to the conclusion; Why worry?   For the longest time I lost myself within a pattern of nerves & anxiety. This year is the year of change. Not only for myself but for those around me & those of you who may read this. It's a year of possibility.

Regardless of where you were then or where you may be finding yourself right now. This year can be your year. A friend kindly told me not too long ago that every day, in that particular day you are at your most beautiful for as each day passes you're getting older & uglier. Safe to say he isn't too smooth when it comes to compliments..

No matter where we are in life, we will be faced with scenarios that we would much rather close the door on and deal with at a later date; there will be people who break your heart, there will be times where you may be overcome with that feeling of being 'at wits end' but if you can look past that for a moment, 2015 is a year that you can will overcome your worries, you can will achieve your goals & most of all, I hope you all have fun with it.
Life can turn funny on you sometimes, it can throw the most unexpected hurdles at you but, it can also bring you great happiness, laughter & adventures so let it challenge you. Let it make you. Let 2015 be your year.